


heroes and handgrenades

by lvl5xiaojun



Series: Viva La.... [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M, Politics involved, WE LOVE IT, does anyone read this??, some drugs too, who knows - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:08:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27727261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lvl5xiaojun/pseuds/lvl5xiaojun
Summary: in which, hwang hyunjin is a simple, misunderstood boy who just wants to pass his last two years in college, and then move out of seoul and away from his shitty mother. that's until he gets dragged into lee felix's life and into the world that has tainted him
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix
Series: Viva La.... [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2028154
Comments: 8
Kudos: 19





	1. sing us a song for me.

**Author's Note:**

> weee, hi yellow. new fic! i'm putting welcome to dema on hold for a bit because the next chapter is a bit hard for me to write with some family issues going on uwu buT have this. this is loosely based around the story based around green day's albums american idiot and 21st century breakdown, which are rad albums. i am also! not a native english speaker (welsh speakers ahoy!), so I hope this makes more sense and you are able to understand it

_ "sing us a song of the century. that’s louder than bombs and eternity. the era of static and contraband that’s leading us into the promised land. tell us a story that’s by candlelight -- waging a war and losing the fight. _

_ they’re playing the song of the century, of panic and promise and prosperity. tell me a story into that goodnight. sing us a song for me." _

the radio was loud in hyunjin’s ear. another morning in seoul, and another disgruntled day at college. it was the same routine that he was fed almost every morning. wake up, turn on the radio, look outside, sigh about how fucked up seoul had become, and then continue with his day of avoiding some of the rough ones that had come more out of the woodworks with the new president in charge. you see, hyunjin wasn’t the kind of person that those people would let off easily., if he didn’t keep his friend, jeongin, by his side so often, he was sure that he’d end up buried in one of the makeshift graveyards that had been set up. see, seoul was going through one of those… revolutions, no-one trusted the man in charge and did whatever they saw fit. it was how the world worked nowadays. but hyunjin didn’t fit in with that crowd. he was one of the upper class, who didn’t care much for any of the shit the others worried about.

the radio quietened down as the presenter began to talk. for some reason, this pirate radio station had been good to listen to. it had kept him in the loop the past few days. enough of a distraction to avoid his darling mother, who was on her 3rd bottle of wine by the time he got back from school. a quick moment to get himself dressed and the beep from jeongin’s vehicle dragged him back into some sense of normality. hyunjin grabbed a hold of the pile of books that sat on the side and made his way downstairs. eyes dart towards the woman sat down at the kitchen table “i’m staying at jeongin’s today.”

the stench of alcohol filled the air. another early drinking session and another day of him being stupidly annoyed for nothing. hyunjin watched as the blonde lifted her glass to her lips and sipped. “as long as you come home, i don’t care.”  _ i don’t care _ . hyunjin grunted quietly, slamming the door behind him. “pathetic bitch.” how the hell was he supposed to enjoy a simple day with his friend when she’d be the same when he came home? it didn’t even seem right to try and be a bit smiley when he’d be fending for himself as soon as he walked back through those doors. hyunjin didn’t bother looking in the direction --- and his friend could pick up on just how irritated he seemed -- the subject of conversation turned towards their soon to be day

“i can’t believe i have to be in english with some of those rebellion leader shits today. felix is the damn worst to deal with. last time, he came in smelling like weed. was gross.”

_ felix _ . the little goth kid who had been deemed the face of their college for these stupid protests. hyunjin shrugged his shoulders. that whole scene, and the people who were involved in it --- that wasn’t his thing at all. he’d much rather be focused on his college work than on the streets with a group of people who barely knew he existed. the drive to college is quiet. jeongin was doing his best to try and cheer up the situation. laughing at anything, telling hyunjin about his father’s mishaps at the family barbeque -- but nothing seemed to work. the foul mood that his mother had put him in was going to be there all day. 

“hey innie?” hyunjin spoke up quietly “you ever think where we’re going to get out of this hell hole?” he’d thought about it once or twice before. how his life would be so much better than what his parents had given him so far. hyunjin looked at jeongin and watched as the younger boy spoke, pulling the car into the parking lot, the boy hummed.

“ i think we’ll get there eventually. they can’t keep putting lockdowns on us leaving seoul because of people acting up. when we’re done with school, how about we go get ice cream? and then i have to go deliver some coffees my mom is making to the protestors.”

there’s a small nod, and hyunjin can’t help but smile. there was something about jeongin that could eventually turn the worst things into something he could smile over. his hand rested upon his friends, a gentle squeeze following and hyunjin nodded “i can come help you. might get some good photos for class.”

**_\-------_ **

being a photography student wasn’t exactly the best thing. couple that with having journalism as a backup subject? it was harder than hyunjin had expected, but the class today wasn’t too bad. they were developing photos, the blonde trying to avoid the group of people that walked in. han jisung and the others were prime examples of those just out for trouble. they took part in the protests because they wanted violence, not for the message that was being sent. it was disappointing, somewhat. hyunjin huffed as jisung pushed past him, annoyance leaving his face when their tutor walked in

“class! your next project is super simple. i know a lot of you do journalism too ---  _ chris, quiet. _ \-- so, you’ll be working towards an extra credit project that involves writing an article for the school newspaper and producing the photos for it too! the best one will be picked by both tutors. you have three weeks!” there’s dull chatter that suddenly fills the class. each of them chatting about partnerships that can work with and what they want to do. hyunjin was.. completely stumped on what he could do. face scrunched up into a position of confusion, hyunjin turned back to his photos, gently placing them into developing fluid and watching the photos come to life.

that was until the table shook when jisung and his friends shoved against it. there’s irritation on the blonde boys face, before he turned towards them. “what? you’ve just ruined my work.”

“hyunjin, right? you know jeongin, yeah?”

“he’s my friend. why the fuck do you wanna know?” hyunjin can’t help but grow more irritated the longer he’s stood there. there was just something about them. jisung laughed before rolling his eyes “it’s fine. you can redo it. jeongin’s delivering our food and that later. why don’t you come along and photograph the protests? easy job and we can get you in on the front line. so nice ass photos.” he shouldn’t want to say yes. it would be easy, and hyunjin knows he’s written about these stupid protests that it would be an easy extra credit for him, but there’s just something stopping him. that’s until jisung speaks up once more “hey, i can even get you an interview with felix if you  _ really _ want.” 

hyunjin doesn’t speak. he merely grabbed his bag, hung up the failed photos and made his way out of the door. no, it wasn’t worth dealing with those dumbasses right now. he’d think about what he could do, and it wouldn’t involve kissing their asses. earphones slide into his ears as rushed from the building and into the courtyard. everything seemed so stupidly suffocating when it came to those idiots. felix’s group were the kind of people you just wanted to avoid at all costs. they did as much as they could to make you feel like you were a bad person for not being involved with what they did. stupid. it was incredible to him, how so many people were willing to kiss their ass for what they were doing.

the bleachers became his home for lunch, a quick text sent to jeongin with his location attached, and he stared over the fake grass that the faculty had put in last year. the college was split into so many different groups, he thought. cheerleaders -- lead by ryujin, the gamers lead by mina. in the far distance were the footballers lead by jackson.. it was all different, but no-one ever seemed to mingle. taking a nibble out of his sandwich, hyunjin watched as everyone seemed to avoid each other. a strange way for a social system of a school to work. and then his eyes focused on the one person he’d not really been wanting to see.

lee felix was every student's wet dream. the perfect kind of bad boy that everyone wanted to fuck around with at least once. he was the guy that had put this small community based college on the map. hyunjin could understand why. felix was pretty. there was something about how tiny his face was that seemed so.. weird to think about. what on earth possessed the front liners to make him the face of what they were doing? “ _ jin --- what are you staring at? _ ” hyunjin hadn’t even noticed jeongin stroll up and drop beside him. blinking back the confusion on his face, hyunjin huffed, shrugging his shoulders as he did

“that class was awful. just a bit.. zoned out.” they talk for what seemed like ages. laughing about stupid things that had happened during their lessons. the ice cream that jeongin had gone to pick up was quickly devoured, hyunjin licking the melted strawberry that peeked from the corners of his mouth. the comfortable silence filled the air again and for once -- hyunjin felt happier than he had earlier 

“why was it awful?”

a pause soon followed “ --- mr. park put us in an extra credit project to write up an article and create photos for an important.. thing happening, and jisung, you know bang chan’s jisung? he was all like you can come and take photos of us. just.. irritated me, i guess.”

“and are you thinking about doing it?”

and that was where he was silent. he still wasn’t sure. of course, hyunjin had done things like front lining in a press jacket before, but he didn’t want to get tied down and made out to be one of them. jeongin seemed to notice the way his friend stopped and spoke up again “what’s the point in not doing it? easy credit and we’re gonna be there anywhere.”

“i haven’t even touched my press jacket since last time, and we all know how that went”

“one more time isn’t going to hurt you.”

maybe, jeongin was right. one night wouldn’t hurt.

**\-----**

there was something about how.. organized these protests were that made him smile. they were really organized. people who weren’t front lining stood with their phones, watching the markings on an app of police cars coming towards them. another group was laying broken bricks perfectly along the roads so that police cars couldn’t come down, and the medic line was waiting in their makeshift tents in case something went wrong. hyunjin felt.. out of place. the film camera in his hand and the dslr that hung from his shoulders seemed so out of place to those that were here from the television stations. jeongin had vanished after leaving the food with who he needed to. he’d said something about needing to get home anyway. it was understandable.  from what he’d seen, these things got violent quickly when the police were involved. he’d seen it before, and that was one of the main reasons he decided to avoid them. the police knew how to get around anything without getting in trouble. he watched how swiftly the supply lines passed out water, masks and just about anything else that was needed -- before he spotted him.

han jisung had pushed through the crowd, gas mask pulled down over his chin -- an oddly friendly smile on his face “there he is! you know, jeongin’s family donuts are really good. we should get more when we do this. anyway! harold, isn’t it?”

“ _ **hyunjin**_."

“yeah, hyunjin. that’s what i said -- felix is this way if you wanna come with. but forewarning, when you're asking him questions out there? the press have dubbed him saint christian. dumb name, felix is fucking fine.”

a pause, and hyunjin shrugged, quickly bending to snap photos of the raised hands passing things along. “yeah, just let me stop to grab some photos. i’m not failing because you’re in a rush.”

there’s a quiet laugh that filters through the air around them, and hyunjin watched as jisung began to walk -- stopping here and there to take photos of whatever he could. the most important one being the younger kids that had come and joined, masks over their face and handing out saline solutions. everyone one of every generation was here.  _ so fucking organized _ . he thought, weaving through the crowds with jisung before they stopped near the ktx station, the separation between the main crowd and who he thought was felix’s crew was obvious. his eyes darted to the various weapons that lied around. 

there were beer bottles lined with cloth, ready for possible molotovs.  _ snap snap _ .

laser pens marked with people's initials to hang out.  _ click click _

there were even stolen police batons. he can remember the news report a few weeks back about a stock pile of policing equipment going missing. this was where they were. _ click, snap, click. _

hyunjin hadn’t even noticed that they’d pushed to the front. he was too focused on the things around them and what was going on. it was like a strange military kind of operation in a way. they’d very obviously done their research and that was why the police were getting incredibly overwhelmed with them. hyunjin quickly placed his film camera into his bag before sighing. it was a strange sensation that he was officially a part of this now. a small pause as he glanced at the little screen on his dslr (absolutely not making sure he’d actually charged the thing), before peeking up. the mess of blonde hair that was hidden behind a mask stuck out like a sore thumb

“hyunjin, right? you wanted to talk to me for some college thing.”

australian. that can’t have been good for him keeping his anonymity. there weren’t too many australian’s in this part of korea. hyunjin tilted his head, placing his cameras down onto the table before nodding “if that’s okay with you? i’d uh… need to film it, though. just so i can.. write down everything. is that good?” hyunjin can see the confusion that caused felix’s eyes to narrow slightly. it didn’t seem like he wanted to, but as disappointment began to take over, felix nodded 

“alright --- i can answer some now? but we’ve gotta get out to fuck with the cameras. so i can do the rest later?”

there’s a peak of a smile on hyunjin’s face, before he nods “that’s all good with me, felix.”


	2. i was made of poison and blood. condemnation is what i understood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hyunjin gets a glance at just how quick the seoul protests can turn violent and finds himself learning more than he needs to know about certain things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay. so ouo i wasn't expecting people to like the first chapter but oh man. i like it but hello here's chapter 2. i used my personal experience with tear gas in the eyes to describe what hyunjin was going through. so I rlly.. hope u get it.
> 
> if u wanna follow me on twitter, my user is lvl5xiaojun <3  
> and if you wanna ask questions or u can like... tell me where u think the plot is gonna go (winkwonk if u do this extra brownie points): curiouscat is yunhosrighttoe

hyunjin was nervous. everything about the situation he was in screamed bad news. felix had led him into a nearby bathroom, away from the people who were using the station to get around. his company quickly blocked the door, the cleaning in progress sign that had been left by the door was thrown outside and hyunjin watched as the smaller boy made his way back to the counter and sat himself upon it “sorry jisung made you come do this. you could’ve just… came and took photos.” he could’ve. hyunjin knew that by now, but it was too late to back out. he reached into his notepad rather tentatively, the questions that he’d written out after lunch were thrown into the side and hyunjin shrugged. there was no way he could back out now. the shots he’d already got were great, and if it did mean an easy way of actually passing his course, then so be it. hyunjin would deal with whatever he had to do to get through all of this. 

“what can i do now? i put this in as my project. so, i gotta be here.” hyunjin huffed quietly, pulling out his notepad and flicking through the questions that he’d managed to write down on the way over here. they all seemed so.. ridiculously bland. the typical interview questions that hyunjin hated reading in any regular article. maybe he could just free ball it and hope that felix went with it. his gaze lingered on the page, biding for time before he closed it rather quickly “i’m just gonna free ball the questions. i don’t like what i wrote earlier” felix laughed, and for some reason, hyunjin found himself smiling back. it eased his nerves surprisingly well. hyunjin grew comfortable where he was sat, leaning back against the stall door and watching as the boy pulled out a cigarette and lit it -- the smell of weed causing his nose to crease slightly.

hyunjin quickly managed to set up the camera on the counter next to felix, enough where his legs were shown, and began racking his mind for something good to ask.

“uh, so -- first question -- what the hell persuaded you to get this far into this to the point of where you’ve been deemed a leader?” hyunjin watched as the question seemed to work itself through felix’s head. it wasn’t too much of a loaded question, or so he thought -- but the way felix’s face scrunched slightly as he thought -- it seemed like it was.

“honestly? my family life isn’t too great. my mom’s a drunk and my dad’s a crackhead. yeah, i use lightly, but things with them are super rough ” hm, hyunjin thought. maybe they had more in common than he thought “i just wanted to do something good in this world. we’re fighting for our future with this and like.. yeah, that might lead to us dying, but it’s worth it.” the room fell silent, and hyunjin’s looking towards the paper in his hands with a huff. it was interesting. he’d done just as much as he could to keep away from all of this -- but it  _ was  _ his future. if the president was going to continue with some of the things he was planning, they had no chance. there’s a cough, the cigarette that was in felix’s hand was put towards hyunjin and a moment of thinking passed, and he nodded. one toke wouldn’t hurt.

the smoke rolls from his nose after a quick puff, passing it back before clearing his throat again “and the supply lines? how smooth all of this works? how did that happen? how did you figure out some of the things you know?”

“well.” felix hummed “chan actually figured out the supply lines and the things that we needed. that’s -- that’s not his real name, by the way. you can use that.” another laugh followed “and then figuring things out? i don’t know. we all worked together and figured it out. the lazar pens and everything all ended up working out, but -- i think we’re still learning about a lot of things. there’s online so much that we can learn in the periods of time we’re getting”

“oh, that’s kinda neat. um.. last question, but -- what’s the message you wanna get out to the people who don’t know why you’re doing all of this?” 

the silence that filled the air is somewhat unsettling, and hyunjin knew that it was. but he watched as gears turned in the other boys head, slender fingers pulling the hair bands from around his wrist and there’s a soft bite on felix’s lip, before he nods “we’re not doing this to harm seoul. we’re doing this for our future. if that asshole passes some of the things he wants to, the lower income students, families and the homeless --- they wont survive through it.. that’s why we’re doing it. we’re not doing this because we hate the country. we just want better.`if there’s one thing that hyunjin has picked up through the moment they’d had together -- it was that felix was a whole lot.. smaller when he wasn’t upfront with the rest of them. it was like a completely different person than what the press had shown. that violent boy who threw bricks at police cars was merely just someone trying to make a change in the world. it was nice, really.

hyunjin watched as felix pulled another one of the bands from his wrists and handed it over “make sure your hairs tied back. just in case we get tear gassed today. it’ll save you getting it in your eyes.” and part of him is thankful, the band pulling his hair back into a ponytail. their silence is broken by the sound of jisung and another boy poking their head through the door. it didn’t really look like they were in a happy mood. the worry on jisung’s face said enough for him

“we need to be quick. the police are three blocks away ---”

**\---**

felix had demanded hyunjin stay with his group. they had one set of cameras two blocks away to render useless, but it would take a few minutes to get that way. the other groups all separated, going to their specific areas. the few hundred kids that swarmed around them seemed so enthused about what they were about to do. the camera in hyunjin’s hand had been recording everything so far. the way the younger members of the group asked simple questions and responded with the same respect they had for the older people. it was an atmospjere that felt rather friendly. like they weren’t about to land in some deep trouble if they got caught.

time seemed to pass quickly as they walked. the cameras quickly coming into view. hyunjin watched almost intently as they began to work. people passed around the pens and spray cans that they’d brought quickly. he walked slowly through the crowds, each one working with the same precision that he’d been expected. each camera in the area was quickly covered up, the lazer pens used efficiently against the back chips that could register their faces. it was impressive, hyunjin thought, how everything was cleaned up and the cheers as the final camera went down were loud in his ear.

although, the slight clang of the metal tear gas canister hitting the floor was enough for him to snap his head to where the sound had come from. a trap. they'd been completely played with the route the police were taking. _ no gas mask _ . he hadn’t brought his own gas mask -- not expecting to be this close to moments like this. it was strange though -- how his first instinct wasn’t to panic. instead, he moved to grab a few younger people by the arm and pulling them back through the now masked up front liners, including felix -- who’d moved to the front by himself. the smoke filled the air as more canisters hit the floor, and the burning in hyunjin's eyes only seemed to be getting to worse. the ones behind them covered the small group with umbrellas that acted as protection for them. hyunjin’s eyes burned profusely, gripping his eyes to a tight squint. they burned to the point of where he had to stop and take a second to just try and breathe. there was a sudden anxiousness that filled his stomach. one that was tinged with an excitement. this was different. this could be the one thing for him to focus on instead of what was going on at home.

a softer voice is heard over the loud chants and other things that have now filled the area “it’s okay. someone’s got them -- let me get you to the tent to clear your eyes” hyunjin wasn’t too sure if he could trust whoever it was, but at this point -- he needed to get the burning sensation out of his eyes. he was lead, blinking back the tears that fell from red raw eyes. the slight wind that had picked up blew through the tent that he had landed himself in. shirt and press vest stripped from him. his eyes haven’t opened fully -- instead, the soft voice from earlier filled his ears again 

“jeongin, can you get me the saline salution?”

so, jeongin _hadn’t_ gone home? hyunjin bit back a soft laugh through whimpers of pain. god, his eyes were stupidly fucking sore. a part of him didn’t remember tear gas being this bad. yeah, he’d only ever been caught in it once before, and that was his own stupid fault. “so, you didn’t go home?”

he can hear jeongin laugh as the solution is sprayed into his eyes. it eased the pain, just enough for his eyes to peer open “did you ever think i didn’t tell you because i know you **hate** these things?” hyunjin shrugged slightly, reaching out for his friends hand and giving it a small squeeze. “um, this is seungmin. you might meet minho when your eyes clear up.” the wash on his eyes is thorough. enough that, although the burning is still there -- it’s not as irritable as it was before. he could brush and rub at his eyes as much as he wanted to, but nothing was going to change that. he huffed slightly, red eyes glancing to another boy hanging in the back and then back to the friendly face in front of him. seungmin was another person that.. really didn’t add up to what everyone else was like. from what he knew, seungmin was straight a.. a medical science student who stuck with the weirdos. so, him being here just seemed weird.

hyunjin glanced towards his friend, the camera that was still wrapped around his wrist gently placed on the chair next to them. “did you meet felix?” jeongin muttered, hands pulling out spare clothes and placing them on the side. did he meet felix? of course he did, and for some reason -- it felt odd to him that he even had. lee felix was the kind of person seemed like a myth. the difference between the felix that he’d met and the felix that the press knew. it was different.

“yeah, he’s a fucking asshole.” anything to keep the image up. he supposed.”i got some of what i needed, but -- i didn’t get everything. i should.. probably get his number or something.”

seungmin smiled “oh, i can give you that. just... let him know that i gave you it or he'll start to freak”

_**\---** _

hours had passed since he’d returned home. hyunjin knew for a fact his mother would be out, drowning herself in whatever alcohol she could put down her throat, maybe even at another party where she’d be down for the night. goodd for him, he thought. it meant more time for himself and time to work on his project. the word document had been opened for half hour. hyunjin had been trying to think about what to write, and after flicking the switch on the roadio, music began to play -- enough to get him started

_ saint christian, as the mainstream press call him, is incredibly different to what they portray him as. he’s a boy, not much younger than myself. a boy who’s eyes are filled with a fire that none of us have ever seen before. _

**_smack_ ** . hyunjin’s head turned towards his window. something had smacked against it, but living in the rough side of town, hyunjin had grown used to it. he turned back to his work 

_ this is a boy who’s team has planned everything meticulously. a team who have tried to keep everything as safe and peaceful as they can, but with police growing violent. what more can they do?he wants you to know that none of what they're doing is meant to damage seoul, and i personally think that says a lot about the leader that so many people demonise.  _

**_smack. smack_ ** . eyes roll slightly, and hyunjin moved to his window. the sight of a slightly stumbling blonde boy caused his brow to narrow. now, what the fuck was lee felix doing outside of his house? the window is flung open, and hyunjin’s head is tilted. felix doesn’t even allow his company to talk, instead allows a very obvious high laugh to leave his lips

“you got home safe? jeongin told me to come check on you.”

“are you high, you fucking idiot?”

hyunjin felt his neck flush red at the sound of felix laughing “i can’t sleepppp~ i took a line and wanted to make sure you were fiiiine~” the sing-song voice that now filled the air broken the silence that overtook hyunjin’s neighborhood, and a part of him is cursing the younger boy. but he doesn’t close the window. instead -- he shook his head disapprovingly

“come get high with me? we can celebrate! just us!” hyunjin glanced down and narrowed his eyes at the pout that the other boy had produced.  _ oh, that’s kind of cute _ . hyunjin hummed quietly, grip around the window handle tightening in thought.

he shouldn’t be contemplating it. after all, hyunjin had just properly met this boy today, but something about getting away from his work and the silence of the house that wasn’t his home anymore. it seemed a good idea. it was just enough for him to nod

“this one time, but i’m staying sober. so you can at least make it home safe. you don’t know me at college. you don’t talk about me at college. we still hate each other, deal?”  felix’s smile turned into a full blown grin “ **_deal, mr. hyunjin_ ** .” hyunjin quickly slammed his window closed, pulling out his phone and typing out a message on his phone to his mother

**mother** : i’m out tonight. going with a friend to go for a drive. like you give a shit, but just thought i’d let you know. anyway, i hope you choke on whatever you’re putting down your throat. :) better order takeout too, because i ate the last chinese pot.

and his hands are quickly around his jacket -- front door keys in his hands and rucksack slung over his shoulders. hwang hyunjin was going to have some kind of fun tonight, whether his rent-a-womb liked it or not. 


	3. video games to the tower's fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> life begins to get a bit rough for hwang hyunjin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am Not happy with this chapter, but I have tried writing this shit several times and can't work out what the hell is wrong with the way I'm writing. rlly hope it makes sense and I do apologise. things have been kinda hard at home and I just think it's kinda fucked with my ability to do anything u know?

“ where are we going?” hyunjin asked as he followed after the blonde boy who skipped around the streets in front of him. felix almost seemed childlike in the way he spun and glanced up at the street lights that illuminate the way they walked. it seemed so out of place for him to be down this end of town, where people viewed themselves as better beings for what they did. jingletown, as it had affectionately been known, seemed so different to how desolate and nasty the rest of seoul had become. hyunjin stuck out among the tattooed people, who glared as he walked through the car park of the nearby 7/11, which seemed to be where felix was slowly walking to. he’d noticed other people from school. sungchan, shotaro, seoho and hwanwoong. the groups of people that everyone purposely avoided. he shouldn’t have been here. he was fine back at home. hyunjin should’ve just invited the boy in to relax while his mother was out

“7/11. it’s one of those neat self service ones -- so we can do whatever we want~” hyunjin moved slowly behind him. the store was empty, most of the crowd that had arrived were already out of the store and drinking in the car park, it was silent enough that they could actually hear each other speak. hyunjin watched quietly as felix began to fling things from the shelves --- that almost pixie-like giggle filled the silent air again. “c’mon! join in. the owner doesn’t give a shit!”  _ you can’t do it, you’re gonna end up in so much shit  _ he thought to himself. the chances are -- that whatever he did tonight was going to end up going back to his mother at her next party. so he couldn’t, but that didn’t stop felix placing items into his hand and throwing them up in the air “see! it’s fun!”

eyes rolled as he followed after felix, pulling a pack of chips off the shelf and popping them open. it was surprisingly exhilarating, just how calm and peaceful things seemed. hyunjin could’ve done just whatever he wanted, but really -- he was determined to make sure that the young boy got home safely. “hey --- “ felix grabbed his new friend’s shoulder, spinning him around with a small laugh “wanna go take a line in the bathroom? just one! you can come flop on my couch until the high passes.”

_ no, hyunjin. no.  _ he couldn’t. it would end up causing issues for his mother. these idiots would start using her at these parties, because that was what mrs. hwang was to the rest of this stupid town. a dirty whore who fucked around with whoever would have her, but what would one night do? he could control his actions and the want for anything else after it. hyunjin bit down on his lip softly “where do you live?” why did he care? honestly, these greasy assholes didn’t care about him when he was at school, so why should he care about head asshole right now? no, that wasn’t the kind of person hyunjin was. felix really wasn’t even that bad when he thought about it. the things that everyone else saw, that wasn’t who hyunjin had met. he’d met an innocent boy who wanted the world to be peaceful, and for things to work out well for his generation. that was the felix that he’d managed to meet and rather enjoyed being around. it was different to what he was seeing now, a boy who just wanted to feel something, and he couldn’t exactly say no to that.

“just over the road! my parents aren’t in, promise. we can just.. walk over there and i can.. make sure you’re safe!” there’s some kind of child-like tone in the way his voice seemed to raise. everything was telling hyunjin to say no. it wasn’t a smart idea, and he couldn’t be prepared to get more photos with the next protest if he was nursing a headache from it, but he nodded anyway. maybe it’d get his mother to pay some kind of fucking attention to him. the register quickly had been cleaned off, and that thin line of white powder was placed on the counter. a fun night. this was going to be a fun night.

\---

the burn up his nose is painful. everything seems like it’s going by at once and hyunjin honestly felt like he was going to throw up. it made his head hurt, tongue trailing across his lips for a moment. his vision seemed almost tunneled on the blonde in front of him. hyunjin had joined in this time, the chips in his hands were thrown around and stomped on -- the alcohol had smashed as it hit the floor, it was therapeutic. never did he think that would be something he would say. he didn’t want to be anything like his mother, but what was the point, really? everyone in this town ended up completely fucked up in some way. felix dropped next to him with another soft giggle, hand sliding into his newfound companies “you’re one of us now. the press caught you with me.” he motioned to the flash of camera clicks outside

_ what? _

hyunjin cannot focus on what was being said, really. his mind knows exactly what’s being said, but he’s two busy looking at the glistening lips of the boy next to him, and the way he batted his eyelashes in the others direction. while his brain was telling him that this was the exact same way that he treated everyone, but the rest of him wanted to lean forward and just kiss him. the blonde lifted hyunjin up and lead him towards the bathroom, grin peeking on his face. now, believe him, hyunjin knew exactly where this was going to go. he was going to end up another notch in lee felix’s bedpost. that was the way it was going to end. before the door is closed, hyunjin -- with a hazy brain, moved forward to press a passionate kiss to the other boys lips. fun -- he was going to have fun. even if it landed him in the worst position he could’ve been

**\--**

**innie** : hyunjin??? have you read the shit online??? i know the back of ur head when i see it tf were you doing in a 7/11 with felix?

**innie** : fr. they’re citing that fkn christian n gloria story n calling u gloria kdfhkdjf

all hyunjin can remember from last night is the pleasure that filled his stomach. he can’t remember how they ended up there, and for the life of him -- can’t remember what the hell they did. anything to make a joke, lighten the situation, and maybe stop anymore questions

**hyunjin** : will these people ever learn long hair doesn’t mean girl. god   
**hyunjin** :i’m kidding i… can’t remember anything after going there mffjdf i just remember waking up in my bed. like god tf did i do last night. can u come pick me up from mine? i feel like mom’s prolly awake n i don’t wanna have to do breakfast with a headache

**innie** :gross ur mom. ofc bub. gimme… umm 15. in my pjs.

**hyunjin** : annnnd u can tell me about seungmin some more! i saw the way u two were looking at each other :)

fifteen minutes didn’t seem like long with the exceptional headache that was clouding hyunjin’s mind. of course he remembered what had happened, but in no way was jeongin going to find out. that would only end up with more of a headache for him. wiping the sleep from his eyes, the younger boy made his way downstairs and to the angered face of his mother. he could tell she was hungover, the bags under her eyes worse than usual. hyunjin had to admit -- he didn’t want an argument with her, in fact -- the blonde was doing everything he could to avoid her in the kitchen. the fridge, a water, a banana in his hand. so, somehow, felix had managed to get him home. after all, they had promised that they’d stay safe with each other, and yet -- here he was back in this hell hole. his mothers gaze followed him around the room, sipping at the water in her hand before huffing

“I don’t want you going anywhere near jingletown again, you hear me?”

“since when have you given a shit about what i do?” the crack of her hand against his skin left a sting. hyunjin wanted to cry,. he wanted to scream and throw whatever was in his way at her, but instead of moving -- he just stood there, hand resting on his cheek for a moment before taking in a deep breath

“you haven’t given aa fucking shit about me since dad died. i’m the mistake that killed him, right?” a pause followed, and the red mark that blossomed on hyunjin’s cheek grew more and more angry as he stood there “all i wanna fucking do is pass my course and get away from your useless fucking ass.”

“i’m your mother. jingletown is dangerous! those people would rather fucking rob you than make you their friend!” her hand now slammed down upon the table, the blonde shooting up from her chair “and you’re going to these fucking protests now? for what? to make it feel like someone actually fucking wants you.”

“you’re pathetic.” and he’s out of the door once again, a single tear falling down his face as he did. hyunjin didn’t care. he couldn’t care. in no way did the woman in front of him matter right now.

**\--**

“and i mean, i like him --- but i’m not the kind of person that will mess with the work we’re doing.” it’s strange, really. how jeongin has been the one kind of natural happiness that hyunjin had. no matter what, he was like a form of sunshine that could lighten any kind of mood. the side of hyunjin’s face had begun to swell rather uncomfortably, the red mark on his face had grown more red and angry as they’d sat in the restaurant. hyunjin had been thankful for the fact that he hadn’t asked questions. his fingers brush over his cheek for a moment, before his head snapped back towards jeongin. “are you okay, dude? you seem super like.. zoned out and i don’t wanna sit here talking about myself”

“ah, there’s nothing to talk about. my face just hurts.”

there’s sympathy that paints itself on jeongin’s face, and hyunjin couldn’t help but just shrug. truly, there wasn’t any point in talking about it. the thing was -- hyunjin wasn’t someone who liked to talk about his family life, even with his closest friends. it just didn’t matter to him at this point. he went back to leaning on his hands, smiling back in his friends direction “so, do yo---”

their conversation is cut off by the small frame of hyunjin’s company from last night dropping onto the chair next to him, the bags under his eyes seemingly worse than usual. there's nothing but an awkward silence that sat between them, the only thing breaking it was when he zoned back into the conversation “-- i mean, you know my dad, lix. he wouldn’t mind coming in and cooking for you guys.”

it’s a bit jolting for hyunjin, his head turning back towards the blonde. felix took it in the correct way and immediately began to speak up “we’re taking the university tonight. jeongin’s dad is gonna help keep us fed.” seoul national university. they were thinking of using that as a place to turn against the government. it didn’t seem like a smart idea, and hyunjin knew it. he didn’t want to know where else it was going to go. there would be too much fall back on the people who were in there he huffed, hand resting on against his cheek again. people would die. people would come out with some stupid injuries. it wasn’t going to end up being good for any of them “--- and i want you to come document it again.” him? hyunjin allowed his mouth to slacken slightly. why him? why did it seem like this was being done to get back at him? his brow raised tongue trailing across his bottom lip -- which something in him can tell has felix staring at him

“you really think that’s smart. now that people are assuming we’re together? they spot me one night and suddenly it’s campus gossip.”

and god, hyunjin can feel just how heavily felix sighed. campus gossip happened, and a part of him is happier that it seemed to be purely online. no-one had come over to him and tried to ask questions, or hell -- even make jokes about it. maybe that was more down to the fact that most people thought he was too intimidating for his own good. and maybe hyunjin can see it. he isn’t a person who wants to deal with regular educational bullshit that comes with studying nowadays. felix huffed, before sighing again “i didn’t mean for that to happen. i.. i can keep the shit shut down for you.”

“i don’t care, felix. it’s a one time thing and not happening anymore.” hyunjin can see the curve of a grin on felix’s face, and although he wanted to question it, the red that crawled up his neck said everything that the other boy needed to know. 

“well, we go tonight, and i’m sure jeongin would want you there.”

“yeah! it’ll be nice having you there.  you know, so i’m not bothering seungmin so much.” laughter managed to fill the air again. of course he’d go. hyunjin couldn’t leave jeongin alone, no matter what. there’s a vibration that’s loud against the table, and hyunjin watched as jeongin glanced to his phone and quickly stood up. there’s an eye roll that followed, and hyunjin waved him off with a light laugh. the silence is back, and although hyunjin is rather… uncomfortable, but not in a bad way -- he rested his hands down against his lap, and for a moment, hyunjin bit down on his lip as a hand creeped over and touched at his. he glanced to felix with a small frown

“you know, i can see you’re getting red. “

oh god, he was. the hand that was being held was gently squeezed, and for a moment -- that awkwardness failed. it seemed normal and it seemed like they were just.. enjoying the time together. he held onto his breath, tongue trailing back over his lip again “listen, you enjoyed last night. we can make it a regular thing, if you really want.” a small pause “but i really need you to come and help me out with tonight. i don’t want the press assuming things again.”

right, it had been a week since the articles had began getting posted everywhere. yeah, his hadn’t one -- but it had slowly began to change people’s opinions in their college, and that, really -- was all that he wanted to do. another squeeze of felix’s hand, and hyunjin nodded. he was really in on this life now, wasn’t he? his mother was going to be so mad

**\---**

the only things he can really remember about the ambush when they got to the university was the loud bangs and the obscene amount of tear gas that had fallen. then hyunjin and jeongin creeping into a room by themselves. the medic bay being swarmed, meant that it wasn’t safe enough for them to be anymore. it was seungmin that had given them this spot. seungmin, who had made sure that they’d be safe and happy while the others dealt with what was going on. 

another thing he can remember -- is how felix had pushed him against the wall to grab a kiss from him, which although it had garnered looks, wasn’t unexpected at this point. hyunjin had somehow managed to calm himself down. if felix was going to play up to the story that everyone else had to give himself a better image, then so be it. he’d stick with it. hyunjin thought back to his mother, and her words about jingletown and the several times he'd heard how much of a disappointment he was. he shook off the sickened feeling that had built up in his stomach --- one of pure anguish that had filled his stomach all because of her.

if hwang hyunjin died tonight, then he’d be happy.


	4. homeland security will kill us all.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hyunjin is learning that no-one is exactly bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit shorter than usual, but i'm currently watching mama and getting a bit lmgghkjhgkj. curious on if ppl read these, but I have a writing twt barely set up to use when I wanna talk abt my ideas and a yt set up for trailer kinda things.... anyone want the links n shit. pls enjoy! there will be a new victory royale chapter up as I have an idea for that tbh fmfmfm

if someone had told lee felix that his small child-like self would be known for the things that he’d done in his life, he wouldn’t have believed you. years ago, the age of 16 seemingly so far away now, felix was too focused on his school work. a simple life where his friends were different and life was good, but now? it was that single moment of his masked face ending up in a staredown with a known officer that had ended up plastered across the news, and this stupid “real-life christian” crap wouldn’t have become such a big thing. he regretted ever learning about that story. it had completely become a part of him at this point. he didn’t know what to say or do when people tried jumping around him to avoid any form of contact. he didn’t blame them, and now -- if that story went the same way, well -- everyone knew how it went.

felix had been completely lost up the front of their now perfectly placed barrier. the sudden swell of police standing in front of them seemed intimidating. in fact, it seemed like there was more than where they actually were. the sign they held up read 

“ **TEAR GAS BEING RELEASED. DISPERSE OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.** ”

he watched the faces of the police officers as they all looked down. some of his friends were yelling things back at them, and felix allowed his eyes to dart through the faces of the people behind shields until he spotted him. “minho’s there, lix.” he didn’t want to talk about it. they’d trusted minho with everything they had. felix might’ve even called him a brother, but when it came down to it --- he’d chosen his job over the people that he considered his family. that was what had pushed him down the dark path that he was on now. the cigarette hung loosely from his lips as he handled the bow that they’d taken from the sports department.

he could shoot. he could shoot specifically for him and show that he isn’t scared. there hasn’t been a time through all of this where felix has really been terrified. he wanted to shoot, but looked back to chan, who was shaking his head rather disappointingly. chan was the one voice of reason in all of this. he’d been thoroughly behind what they were doing, but didn’t want things to get violent. thin fingers drop the weapon slightly -- the anger that had filled his system at the way minho had dared show up was obvious on his face.

_ where’s the blonde where’s the blonde where’s the blonde. _

he wanted hyunjin. there was something different about that boy. he wasn’t like the others that he’d slept with so far. maybe it was just that they were so fucked up and similar that he deserved someone as messy as he was. he stormed from the crowd and into the building. the way the crowd of students bustled around them was deafening. the crowd mixing molotovs and testing them out in the pool hooted and hollered every time the glass smashed against the pool. there was the medics -- his eyes focus on seungmin --- who were chatting about what was to happen if they needed. it all seemed loud in his ears. he moved quickly into the back corridors, quickly stopping to grab a plate of food for the other boy and to the room he had asked to be hyunjin’s. his head hung low when he entered, and it was almost on instant that hyunjin turned to face him.

“you ready to possibly die?” he noted how hyunjin had paused, the film footage playing on the camera from their last adventure together. felix watched just how calm he was in their first meeting. there were a lot of things that he wanted to ask, and something in felix’s brain stopped him from even speaking. he looked to jeongin, who seemed to gather what he was wanting before he grabbed his bag and swiftly left. he looked back to hyunjin, who had placed the camera down and turned towards him

“you know, when you said you wanted to change the world --- i think that kinda stuck with me.” felix can’t help but narrow his brows in the others direction. hyunjin was confusing. felix never really knew what to say or do around him. he was flustered and absolutely hated it. felix didn’t  _ do  _ flustered. he continued to listen “but, i don’t have anything to live for at home. my mom hates me, my dad’s barely home. so why not feel like i’m doing something good?”

“i want you here.” it came out so.. quickly. felix outwardly cringed. it was good to have someone who could get an unbiased view of them and didn’t look at him like he was some kind of martyr. they were so similar in so many ways, and yet -- felix knew what he wanted to do with his life. he wanted to make things better, but for everything in him -- he just didn’t believe hyunjin did know

“well, thanks mister. “

“i actually had something i wanted to ask you..”

_stay with me through this._ _  
__i want you to be by my side._ _  
__promise me, you’ll stay_

“i just wanna know if you’ll be up front with me. i trust the other guys, but they’re always off doing their own thing, and sometimes, i just don’t wanna do the stuff that they do.” it sounded so dejected. he loved his friends, he really did -- but honestly, it felt like they were only here for the fun that came with standing up to the police.he got it, he really did. it was fun. felix had always believed in the people being better than the governments that lead them, but the rest of them? he just didn’t know if they did

_i just need a friend who_ _  
__gets how fucked up i am._

felix couldn’t help but watch with wide eyes as hyunjin glanced at the plate of food in front of him. he could feel how awkward it felt. like something was pulling at him to say now, but as the blonde turned around --- felix watched him grin “as long as i can still keep my camera and take photos. that blog of mine? that’s really taking off, but -- after this, whether we make it out or not. i’m not going home. i don’t mind being your bitch for a little, but i can’t go back to my mom” there’s a sudden laughter that filled the air, and the red that had formed on felix’s cheeks faded to a gentle pink. friends. they were friends. that was the best way to remember this and to keep him balanced. fingers gently pull out a small bag of dope, felix wiggled it with a small smile

“wanna get fucked and nap for a little?”

“hell yeah.”

**\----**

hyunjin couldn’t remember much. only that their nap had turned into a full blown sleep. he felt refreshed. probably the better amount of sleep that he’d had in a long time. the fuzzy feeling in his head was still there. flashes of hands touching bare skin and gentle whispers into his ear are incredibly loud in his head, but he would be the first person to admit that he wasn’t particularly angry about it. if they kept to what they were planning, his life in classes would be completely normal. but getting involved with this group of people meant getting dragged into their lifestyle, and as he wiped at his nose, the excess powder that had built up there building up on his finger.

felix wasn’t a bad person, really. he knew that there was certain things that came with what he was doing, but the whole image that hyunjin had built of him wasn’t anything he expected. he sat up and turned to look at the smaller boy asleep next to him. he looked peaceful, so incredibly peaceful for once. there was no anguish in his face, just peace. it was nice to see it. sliding his clothes back on rather quickly, hyunjin quietly moved from the room he was in. he needed fresh air. the grounds of the university were oddly quiet. even the watch guards had fallen asleep where they were, but hyunjin’s eyes narrowed on a familiar figure. jeongin’s father. the only over 25 person here. jeongin had explained that he was here to help with the food situation, and it seemed like he was preparing something for the morning “hi, mr yang.” he spoke up quietly, avoiding being too loud in case he woke the sleeping figures around them up

“ah, hyunjin! what are you doing awake? it’s 3am.”

“slept too early. needed some fresh air.” there’s a small pause that followed before hyunjin bit back down on his lip “why are you here, mr yang? helping us out with all this. is it because jeongin’s here?”

“oh, my boy.” he laughed “where do you think jeongin got his want to do this kind of stuff? i did this long before he was born. we protested mandatory military enlistment, and the lack of medical exams for people who.. needed them. mentally and physically.” his mouth had dropped. jeongin had never let him know about this, and they told each other  _ everything _ . it made sense to him, but there was sitll some kind of confusion that painted itself on his face “we never took universities or.. set fire to people who didn’t agree with us, but i lost people and i couldn’t let that happen to jeongin. so --- if we die, we die together. i can try and protect my son through it all.” hyunjin can’t help but feel his eyes get oddly teary. hearing a parent talk about their child like that, with so much love and adoration in their voice. it hurt. why didn’t he get that? why did he have to get the two deadbeats who didn’t care? wiping at his eyes, hyunjin smiled, grabbing a sandwich off the plates in front of him and taking a bite out of it.

there’s a supportive hand on his shoulder, light squeeze after light squeeze. hyunjin looked to the older man, before he huffed “you don’t choose your family, hyunjin. you are your own person and this can make you or break you -- the people around you are your family. that includes myself. now, go get your fresh air.”

hyunjin nodded, motioning to the pack of cigarettes on the side “can i take one?”

the older man laughed “take the whole pack. we’ve stock piled anyway.”

**\----**

the outside is colder than hyunjin had expected. maybe, it was because his body was still on fire from what he’d took a few hours ago, or maybe it was because the university was warm. he didn’t really know. the boy pulled at his jacket, tightening it quietly around his waist and moving towards the overhanging balconies of the building. looking below him, an expression of shock appeared. the amount of police underneath them, waiting for people to make their move against them was rather intimidating. eyes tried to count as many of them as he could, losing count rather quickly. several squads of 20. they were ready to cause issues, no matter what it lead to --- it seemed like they’d try something. hyunjin jumped at the feeling of a hand on his shoulder, turning to see jeongin smiling back at him

“dad came and woke me up. said you’d come out.” the smaller boys hands fumble with a lighter, handing it to his friend before glancing over the balcony. there’s a sense of comfort that filled the air and hyunjin found himself holding his friends hand as they watched the men below them. 

_thank you for being here with me._ _  
__best friends. no matter what happens_ _  
__i know you’re scared and so am i._ _  
___but we can do this --- i promise.

it seemed like everything suddenly slowed down at once. the shouts of the men below them grew loud and mingled with each other, and then when the first tear gas canister landed on the space in front of them, hyunjin froze. it was sudden pain. the pain in his head had grown more and more louder as the people around them shouted, but he couldn’t focus on anything. head was spinning, many different things seemed to blur together at once and then sudden darkness hit him. he managed to make out one thing. the quiet voice of jeongin

_ “help! i need help! it hit his head!” _


	5. my generation is zero.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things start to go wrong, and hyunjin comes to a realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh man, it's been a while since I updated my bad. life has got so stressful with my sister being diagnosed with bone cancer, so I've been too tied down with looking after her. love you guys and thanks for still reading this <3

it seemed like his whole world was ending.

the only thing felix could remember was the sudden shout of his name that had caused him to shoot up from where he was sleeping. screams --- loud and fearful filled his ears. his people, his friends --- they were all at risk for his stupid want to have them here. it was chan, who had burst back into the room to wake his friend, but felix hadn’t even allowed what he was saying to go through his brain properly. the sleepy dust was wiped from his eyes, and the words finally seemed to settle in.  _ they’re attacking and people are injured.  _ his legs carried him out of the room, past the crowds of people that were running for safety and places to contact their family -- and into what sounded like gunshots filling the air. they were attacking them. kids were fearing for their lives just for the government to make a message

**_but where’s hyunjin? where is he? where is he? where is he?_ **

he doesn’t want to panic, but something unsettled sat in felix’s stomach. hyunjin had left. there was no sight of him, and even when he stopped to ask people where he was -- no-one knew. it was his fault. his fault. all his fault. no-one was making it out of this. there’s an anguish in his stomach that didn’t seem to be wanting to leave. it was over. their last stand was this, and he had to get people out. felix turned to chan, who stuck behind him as usual -- and gulped back a deep breath “i want you to direct people to the exit. i need to.. find.. my friend.” it was understood almost instantly, and watching his friend runoff, felix turned back to the direction he was going to. there was something about the situation that made him grow angry. he’d promised, in a heated moment between each other, that he wouldn’t go anywhere.  _ what bullshit. _ the sudden thought of how he could be dead. how his friends could all be dead with the noise and shots that were going off outside. it didn’t sound good whatsoever.

he made his way outside, to the sudden sights of his friends with the flaming bottles in their hands. the archery team aiming and shooting at whoever they could. it seemed ridiculous how it had even escalated this far. they’d never made the move. things hadn’t gone far enough to be considered a threat. they’d just been watching. he picked up on a fire burning across the entrance. someone had set it up to block the path, but it still hadn’t worked. and that’s when he’d seen him.

hyunjin was bloodied. tears streaming down his face, and a slight limp behind him.  _ anger, anger, anger. how dare you leave when i told you not to?  _ the look on his face showed just how… angry he was, but the sheer pain and fear that had painted hyunjin’s pretty features was enough to snap him out of the mood that he was in. hand slid gently into the other boys, dragging him back into the nearest room and locking the door. those that wanted out would get out. he didn’t need to direct them when the others would. the confusion on hyunjin’s face as he touched at the wound on the side was saddening. felix didn’t know how to react. sitting the other boy down, felix glanced towards him with frown “you’re going home. i’m not letting you stay here. this was a stupid idea, anyway. you being here. you’ve never fucking done the shit we’ve done before. you were just supposed to be here to take photos.”

he can hear the sudden desperation in the boys voice. he didn’t want to go. he can hear the repeated  _ no. no i’m not going. fuck you. i want to be here. _ a deep breath was inhaled, and felix suddenly lifted his hand and swung for the other boy’s face. the crack of skin against skin sounded like it hurt --- but maybe it’d knock some sense into him. he knew he was still angry, still pushing for something to go right for him to once. felix noted quickly, how tears welled up in his eyes, and how he lunged forward to push at the other boy.  _ do you not get it? i want to keep you safe you silly boy.  _ the sudden slapping at his face is enough to cause him to shove hyunjin back. it’s hyunjin who spoke up first “ _ fuck you. you dragged me into this fucking mess, dragged me into your stupid fucking life. so what? i got fucking hurt! let me stay i want to fucking stay. _ .” no-one had ever  **_wanted_ ** to stay. that dull thump in felix’s chest was back, this time felt angrier. feelings. his fucking stupid feelings could go out the window with the rest of it

felix already had his phone in his hand, typing out a quick message out to one of his friends. no, he was going, and if this was the last time that he saw him -- then so be it. no-one needed to see him go down in an embarrassing way. easy enough. felix smiled when jisung entered the room, a confused look on his face when the boy spoke up “please, get him to the exit and find jeongin and his dad. they can look after the wound.” he stood from his seat, hands rubbing the sides of his shirt. felix couldn’t help but take one last glance towards his blonde company, before exiting the room as quick as he could. 

he’d be safe. jisung knew the ways out of this place like the back of his hand. they’d be all safe and able to get home, and hopefully --- his night would end with a bullet in the back of his head so all of the feelings that had built up in the back of his mind would just be over and done with.

\-------------

the only thing that hyunjin knew at this point, was that his head fucking hurt. his cheek stung, where the burning canister had hit his head burned. he didn’t really know what to do. he followed after jisung rather slowly. the bridge out of the university had streams of people underneath it. the tunnels that lead out to old abandoned dam-building didn’t seem particularly right to use, but honestly -- he didn’t really care. he wanted to get home. for once, hyunjin wanted to apologize to his mother and just curl up in bed and never move. it was jisung who suddenly spoke up that snapped him out of the weird trance that he was in.

“you know, felix doesn’t do this a lot for people he fucks around with.” god, the fact that he even knew about it made him feel sick. these people were not his friends. they weren’t the people he wanted to spend time with, so --- why was he still here? why was he still hoping that someone would let him enjoy being here with someone he enjoyed being around? jisung continued, a skip in his step with a smirk “there’s something special about you, i guess. he’s always so doe-eyed around you. it’s weird how he’s changed up so quick.” there’s a shrug, and hyunjin can’t help but shove past him. he doesn’t want to hear it anymore. the outside seemed different. they hadn’t lasted long, had they? it was scary. hyunjin didn’t really know how to react to any of it. the people around him seemed to be just as panicked about the situation.

he’d overheard so many people saying a lot of them had decided to stay.

hyunjin didn’t really want to think about what they’d be up to. the police sirens and shouting. god, it was so loud. it sunk into every part of him. there was a chance that his friends wouldn’t make it out. he huffed, fingers pulling through his blonde hair “where the fuck is jeongin?” it’s quiet, and his voice sounded so.. pained. it’s not the correct response. it was jisung, who shook his shoulders before speaking up again.  _ he was one of the first out.  _ he was safe. his best friend was safe, and they could go back to normal and forget all of this stuff happened.

they should’ve just.. stayed together. hyunjin knew that things would be fine in the end. jeongin was always safe and happy and so.. incredibly willing to help out. he knew that there was no way of persuading him not to take part, but him? he could go back to normal, and be miserable with his life. they ended up in the final room before exiting the tunnels, the sound of jeongin’s voice filling the air

“ _ god, you made it! _ ” he’d bounded over, arms wrapped tightly around his friend’s waist. they were together. they were safe and could easily escape. it’d be awful in the morning. he could go back to his miserable fucking life. maybe jingletown would be the next best place to go. he tightened his grip around his friend, a happy smile on his face. even though everything ached. he was  **happy.** jeongin lead him down towards a seating area, a place where they could relax and jeongin could take a look at his head. the canister, from what he can make out of jeongin whispering, is that the metal had burned his skin, but hit hard enough that it had only caused a minor wound on the back of his head. it was the tear gas that had caused the incredible pain that he was feeling right now..

but hyunjin could tell that it wasn’t the tear gas that had caused wet cheeks. it was the embarrassment and heartache that had filled his stomach. he never should’ve trusted him. hyunjin knew that now -- he never should’ve looked at their relationship in a different light. hell, hyunjin shouldn’t have even wanted to try and be his friend. it didn’t seem right. the look on jeongin’s face said enough. “what happened, jinnie?” he didn’t know. he didn’t know how to describe what he was feeling. it was something jeongin wouldn’t get. his life with seungmin was different. they lead a simple life. it was his fault that he’d dragged himself into felix’s life. it seemed strange how he was so upset about it. he knew that things were always going to be different. 

hyunjin huffed, wiping away the tears from his eyes before he shrugged “he hit me. told me to fuck off and hit me when i said no.” jeongin could feel how the situation had changed. it was sad in a way, to watch his friend slowly falling apart. hyunjin watched as jeongin squeezed his hand before smiling

“lets get you home. tonight was scary, and you deserve the chance to relax.”

\-------------

hyunjin didn’t want to be home. he’d stood outside of the door of the run-down house with a small frown on his face. it wasn’t until the blonde woman slowly pulled open the door, a sad expression across her face. it didn’t feel like the woman in front of him had ever cared this much. she slowly made her way over, an arm wrapping around the boys shoulder, and all hyunjin could do was melt into her. he felt like a child again, crying for his parents when he’d fallen and scraped his knee. was this what being hurt by people actually felt like? hyunjin didn’t want to admit it. he couldn’t admit it to anyone, but did he want to admit to himself that he had a little crush on the other boy? maybe. maybe it’d be easier to get over how he was feeling without having to be near him again. he can hear the gentle whispers of his mother's voice in his ear.  _ you scared me, baby. what happened? you weren’t there with them, were you?.  _ hyunjin sniffled into his mother's shoulder before shaking his head “i’m not going back there. i’m not… doing that stuff again.”

he watched as the cogs seemed to turn in his mothers brain, and when she spoke up again -- he can feel his mouth drop into a shocked expression “if you stick to that, i can try and.. not drink --- become the mother you actually want to have.” and oh, does it cause him to unwind against her shoulder again. hyunjin knew it. he didn’t need to get involved with people who weren’t good for him. he could try and become a son that his mother was proud of. they stand like that for a little bit longer, before hyunjin stood and made his way to his room. he was fine. the tears had dried, and the bruise on his face was blossoming rather nicely. he’d be fine tomorrow, and he’d go on about his life normally, but as he dropped down onto his bed ---- all he can think about is felix. 

felix, and his stupid beautiful face. felix and the ability to make him smile as he was pushing into him whilst in bed. felix, who nuzzled against his neck when he slept in an attempt to calm himself down. he was a beautiful boy, with a heart of gold --- but it had just been twisted in one of the worst ways. he lifted his phone, dialing in the other boys number and frowning when it went to voice mail. no, he’d do this -- but he needed felix to know everything before he cut contact.

“ _ hey, felix. it’s me. i know i pissed you off earlier with not wanting to leave, but.. i just wanted to call and say sorry. i’m sorry that somewhere down the line i really started to care about you. i’m sorry that i saw you as something different from what everyone else did. maybe, i shouldn’t have tried to become friends with you. you’re not the kind of people i should be around. i think i have feelings for you --- not.. not like wooyoung from economics kind of feelings. god, that guy is whipped for you, but --- i want to see you do well, but i can’t be a part of this anymore. you’re a good guy, felix lee. don’t let the world hurt you anymore than what it already has.” _

and as he hung up, hyunjin dropped back onto the bed with a gentle sigh. his eyes drifting closed. tomorrow would be a new day, and he’d forget that felix even existed, but the sleeping doesn’t last long and instead he’d woken up to stare at a message on his phone.

**LIX** : come to the skatepark before class?

hyunjin frowned, quickly typing out a response

**HYUNJIN** : fine, but it's to say goodbye.


	6. i never made it as a working class hero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've decided to turn this fic into a slow update one as things have gotten worse at home with my sisters cancer. so if you're reading this hope that's understandable <3 I'm gonna focus more on one shots to keep myself distracted and stuff. but pls enjoy

the skatepark was a cesspit of anguish and upset. everyone that had survived the university siege sat around on chairs, bandaging whatever wounds they had. hyunjin had focused on people in the back as he walked in,  _ sobbing over bodies covered up. _ they’d lost so many people. people that he’d seen in school were  _ mourning _ kids that should’ve been able to see the next day. it was sad to think about. they wouldn’t experience birthdays or graduation. it was hard. hyunjin gently made his way through the crowds, ignoring the quiet whispers of how everything was  **his** fault, and how felix’s mood was shot because of him. of course, he knew it was his fault. he’d fucked up, hadn’t he? things weren’t going to be easy for him. lowering his head, hyunjin moved quietly through the crowd -- his hands shoved into his pockets out of habit. the people here -- they all watched him as if he was the enemy here. hyunjin pushed through to the final crowd, and came face to face with the one person that he wanted to be far away from. felix looked  _ battered.  _ bruises painted his face, and the open wound on his chin seemed furiously red. 

their eyes connected and hyunjin could immediately feel the anxiety building in his stomach. everyone else around them seemed to step back, the tenseness of the situation seemed obvious between everyone else. once they were gone, hyunjin felt a hand wrap around his chin and squeeze. god, it hurts. he didn’t want to keep eye contact, so as quickly as he could, hyunjin allowed his eyes to close, breathing picking up slowly. “you’re not leaving.” it was all he heard leave felix’s lips, the grip on his chin tightening for a second before it dropped down to his neck. this wasn’t the felix he’d grown to know. it wasn’t the soft boy who he sat and counted stars with. this was an anger in his eyes. was the idea of him leaving really that much of a problem?

“i’m not getting involved with this anymore. i thought i was going to fucking  _ die _ , felix.”

he thought that he was going to die, and that idea turned him into a quivering child. he watched as the fae like boy narrowed his brows. hyunjin wasn’t someone who was good with confrontation, whether he wanted to admit it or not. he felt lost. like this wasn’t where he was supposed to be, and thoughts lead to him wondering if he hadn’t took that stupid project on, would he have been able to not get drawn into this mess?

_ you’re not right for me to be around. _ _   
_ _ you’re going to ruin me and i can’t have that. _ _   
_ _ i don’t want to know this version of you, felix. _ _   
_ __ i want to know the one i started to care about.

“you don’t just get to jump out of here.” felix spoke up, the tone of his voice lower than usual “the last person that tried that ended up betraying out trust in the worst way possible. you have a chance not to do that to us -- to me.” irritation began to flare in hyunjin’s body. it was almost like felix had just ignored what he’d said, turned what he tried to get across into something that made what had happened seem like his fault. he obviously didn’t know him well enough. anyone in their right mind would’ve known that hyunjin was loyal until the end. even when things didn’t seem like they were going well for him. his hands reached out and shoved the other boy off, rubbing at the bruises that were starting to form on his neck, hyunjin frowned

“fucking _listen_ to me! this isn’t happening anymore. i’m done. i wanted to do this to get a good grade for school and not even fucking be near you, but here i am! worried that you fucking hate me!”

“i’ll hate you if you leave me.” and the words hit like running into a tree. this had to be some kind of gaslighting. he was being made to feel guilty for leaving, and for what? “but that’s what you’re good for, isn’t it? being a useless fuck and letting people down.” the words hurt him. hyunjin could feel the dull pain in his chest as the other boy continued “fuck you. i trusted you. i let you in here to show people that we weren’t assholes.” of course, he was just a prop for good pr. his feelings weren’t going to get any better, really. he couldn’t listen anymore. the boy was quick on his feet --- turning and escaping as quick as he could. he was right though, wasn’t he? he’d broken people’s trust and ruined something that he’d wanted so bad. a friendship.

the dull chatter of voices around him seemed so loud compared to what they were in the way in, and with the room spinning, he couldn’t breathe. it felt like everyone was out to get him at this point. when he’s out of the area, everything seemed more peaceful. the further and further he walked, things began to go back to normal. his head was still pounding, but as he sat down on a nearby wall, the sudden voice in his ear seemed oddly loud

“you alright, kid?” it was a man, no older than he was, bent below him and watching as he held his breath and tried to balance himself out. he reached out and rested a hand on his shoulder, and hyunjin couldn’t help but try and steady himself out with the breath that he pulled in. “hey, lower your head and breathe in.” there was something calming about the way that he spoke. he didn’t want to ask names, he wanted to just… calm down. there was something about the way that he rubbed his shoulder and tried to just.. support him. it worked, and after a while -- hyunjin lifted his head with a small frown

“i’m fine. just… some drama. got a bit worked up.”

“kids, huh? you guys do like your drama. you feeling better, though?”

hyunjin wasn’t feeling better emotionally. he still wanted to cry, but physically… his body seemed to be working on getting better. hyunjin nodded, fingers pulling through his hair before smiling weakly “thanks for checking up. i’m okay… “

“all good, man. do you need a ride home?”

there was something about the whole situation that had hyunjin on edge, but right now -- all he really wanted to do was go home and go to bed. “i don’t even know your name, man.”

the oldest of the boys nodded, a pull of a smile on his face before his hand extended “minho. now, do you want the ride home?” hyunjin couldn’t help but return the smile a nd nod.

“yes please.”

\------

the car journey was oddly quiet at the beginning. hyunjin didn’t exactly know what to say to the person sat next to him. things didn’t seem like they were going to change. he pulled at the loose threads on his jumper, looked around the car -- did anything in an attempt to change the atmosphere. maybe he shouldn’t have taken the offer. maybe it wasn’t worth his anxiety spiking the way it did. he just wanted to get home and try and.. sleep whatever he was feeling off, but the silence was broken when minho spoke up “how was everyone back at the skatepark? any injuries? that’s where you came from, isn’t it?”

eyes widened, and hyunjin found himself almost speechless. how did he know? they were tucked out of the way away from everyone. hyunjin could feel a sense of confusion sit across his chest, and maybe it was stupid to respond to the man -- but he didn’t seem too bad. the confusion and worry that was bothering him weren’t too bad that he could’ve hung back. hyunjin bit down tightly on his lip before sighing “ --- i didn’t see too many people. i just had to go speak to someone. it uh.. it looked like a few people died. it’s not really my place to talk about it, though. i was.. just there to photograph some things.”ff

“and how’s felix reacting? things falling apart around him.” they were, weren’t they? the protection and things that the boy had been falling down around him. hyunjin huffed. he couldn’t think about it. in all honesty, he didn’t want to think about it. his head turned, the blossoming bruise on his face visible to the other man, before there’s a quiet mutter of  _ not well, obviously  _ and it almost seemed like minho got it. he nodded, pulling up at the stoplight with a gentle smile. hyunjin listened intently as the other man began to talk about his previous friendship with felix, how it had fallen apart because minho hadn’t agreed with the outlooks that he had on life. it didn’t seem right, in fact -- part of hyunjin was telling him to hop out and continue home alone. he could do it.

but before he could even attempt to say anything, the car pulled up. his mother's house in full view of them, and hyunjin can only mutter a thank you before jumping out. he didn’t even notice the other male shout back at him as he walked away

_ no, thank you.  _

\------

once inside, hyunjin rested against the chair in front of his desk. he couldn’t be involved anymore. he knew that, but there was something that he had to do. ideas filtered around his brain, so many that he didn’t seem to know what to do with himself. when suddenly, he pulled open his laptop. there’d been an idea earlier, a blog where he could write everything down that he needed to, and now -- with the website he’d set up earlier still opened, hyunjin allowed his fingers to begin writing

_ i was given a chance to see into the life that the seoul protestors lead. _

_ they’re not your enemy for wanting a future that their generation can live through. things have been so messed up by those that came before us, that the things they’re fighting for are important. i witnessed people mourning their friends, people fearing for their lives -- just because the government doesn’t agree that they deserve the chance to have a bright future. you may not agree with what they’re doing, but you could step aside and allow them to do what they need to get their point across. it’s horrific, the things that i’ve seen. these kids are mourning their friends. their friends, who should be celebrating birthdays, going to get drunk and enjoying their lives. instead, they’ll be taken home to their families and left to be placed six feet under. that’s even if their families get their bodies _

_ you people -- the ones who put mr. kim in charge -- you people should feel disgusted with yourselves. you should worry about how those kids will feel. you have failed them. you should feel the guilt of having their blood on your hands because you knew from his policies that nothing good was going to happen. now, because of you -- nothing good is going to come from this. seoul is going to fall apart because of you.  _

_ now, i will try and update this as much as i can -- but who knows. i might stay an anonymous figure. i might not. those of my generation who aren’t even involved are judging you from the side. these next few weeks -- -they will be important in deciding the future of this country, and you can bet that there’s going to be more death and fear for the kids out there on the battlefield. until next time. _

there’s a small pause in his writing, and hyunjin stared at the keyboard in front of him. now, what could he use to make sure no-one knew it was him. he needed to keep his distance, but god -- then the memory hit him. he knew exactly what he was going to call himself

**_gloria_ **

clicking post, hyunjin lent back in his chair and heaved a deep breath -- that was until his phone vibrated. part of him didn’t want to turn his phone over and check the screen, but after a few minutes, he tilted the screen to glance at the words on the screen

**jisung:** hey, hyunjin? i don’t know what happened, but first of all -- i just wanted to check if you were okay. i know we’re not friends, but i don’t agree with how felix was. that’s not fair. secondly, the cops were just down here. i’m pretty sure some of us just got arrested. i got felix out so don’t worry about him.do you still mind helping?

hyunjin sighed. ** _this was going to be hard._**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twt: lvl5yunho


End file.
